I’ve got a secret to share.
I’m embroiled in a world of intrigue, at the centre of an epic tale that touches the far reaches of the globe.
I’m about to be entrusted with riches, thanks to various international people of mystery who have – luckily for me – stumbled across my email address and reached out to me for help in the midst of various unfortunate incidents and crises.
First, let me tell you about my friend Erico Fletcher, who writes to me thus:
“I am Erico Fletcher, a solicitor at law. I was the personal attorney to Eng. Donald M. Reain, a national of your country who used to work with an oil servicing company here in the England, thereof be referred to as my client.”
I was stunned to read that Eng (no idea what that stands for – engineer? Englishman?) Reain at the tender age of 62 sadly lost his life in an Egyptian charter plane Boeing 737 which crashed into the Red Sea early on January 3 shortly after taking off from the resort of Sharm el-Sheikh.
Now, foolish Eng Reain left no clear beneficiary as Next of Kin. (Which leads me to speculate that perhaps Erico Fletcher, solicitor at law, is not such a good solicitor).
However, Erico is battling on valiantly and has sought my consent to present me as the next of kin “so that my late client’s funds will not be confiscated by the Finance Company.” (And here we must shake our fists at that evil Finance Company, no doubt run by Mr Burns).
At the same time as I was pondering how to help Erico out of his predicament, remarkably, Mrs Regina Moore came into my life:
“I am Mrs. Regina Moore, the wife of Dr. Robert Moore from Holland, Who work with a America oil company in Africa for twenty years before he died in the year 2003.”
Sadly, I cannot Skype Mrs Regina Moore, for:
“I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my soundless voice and presence of my husband’s relatives around me always.”
Mrs. Moore (no relation to Roger Moore) tells me that “when my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 2 .5 Million with a Bank.”
She would like to distribute these millions to “churches, orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained”. (Later, she changes her mind slightly and says “It is my last wish to see this money distributed to charity organizations and NGO anywhere in the World in helping human race”. I think she was a Miss World contestant).
I’m heartbroken because Mrs Moore is “in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment for esophageal cancer … and my doctors have told me that I have only a few weeks to live”. Thankfully, she somehow has access to the internet and email.
I realise the clock is ticking for Mrs Moore and plundering relatives surround her waiting for her demise, but I also have the added pressure of wondering what to do with Mr. Marco Smith Foreign Transfer Manager of the SnsBank Netherlands.
Mr Marco Smith recently related a story to me, apologising that: “This may sound strange and Unbelievable to you, but it is real and truth”:
“On routine auditing last month, I discovered an account that has been dormant for almost one years … The investor died … I am of the settled conviction that using my insider leverage and working with you can secure the funds in your bank account and use some of it for charity purpose, helping the needy instead of allowing it pass through has a bonded fund for the Authorities to share within themselves.”
Those evil Authorities. I bet they’re the same people behind the Finance Company.
Thank goodness Mrs Sara McMil was straight-to-the-point with her request for help. It saved me a lot of time:
“How are you doing today? Hope you are fine and doing well. I got your e-mail through a comprehensive search for a dependable person who can partnership with me in transaction of (£15,200,000.00) Fifteen Million Two Hundred Thousand Pound Sterling Only. This transaction is Highly confidential and absolutely risk free. Please if you are interested kindly contact me via my below private e-mail for more details.”
This is just another reason I’m glad I registered my details with DependablePersonsDotCom.
My most trustworthy new friend is perhaps Kwame Bongani, a military man from Accra Ghana, West Africa. I’m not sure why he contacted a social media consultant and stated “ I rely on you for quality advise on the investment areas that you may propose, because I’m a novice to business / investment, but I’m looking at investing on telecommunications or building of hotels” .. but hey, whatcha gonna do?
He needs help with a “long time” investment plan for $25m US dollars.
Oh, plus 30kg of Alluvial Gold Dust.
“Remember I’m a military man with little Idea about investment strategies.”
The pressure’s on, because he requests “that we have a conclusive arrangement on this issue”.
I’ll tell you something else.
I’m absolutely intrigued by an email about an apparent consignment box intercepted in transit which belongs to me. When scanned it was estimated that the consignment contains valuable cash between $4.5 to $5 Million Dollars.
I’ve been emailed the following details, but I can’t for the life of me remember owning this:
Wheels: 4 wheels. Handles: Trolley handle with top & side handles Approximate Dimensions: Height: 3.20 ft, Width: 2.50 ft, Depth: 1.90 ft. Weight: 180lbs.
I must get in touch and ask if there’s a little bright green ribbon tied to the handle. Because then it is mine.
Enough about me. How are you? Hope you are fine and doing well. Please send me your contact address details, date of birth and bank account details so that I can promptly and securely process your blog post comments and we can save the human race and propagate messages of peace throughout the world.*
*Don’t do that.
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